Struggling to connect to a client?

Leisa Moorhouse
July 11, 2025
•
5 min read

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Have you been in a situation where you struggled to connect with a client, and even wonder if they are being honest with you? It can be challenging balancing needing to understand a client’s perspective, with not being naïve to a client telling you merely what they think you want to hear. Where family court is involved, and disputes over parenting rights are current, this can be even more difficult to navigate, as each party seeks to present themselves in the best light. That’s the situation a supervisee had with one of her clients, so she brought it to supervision to discuss.

Seeking to understand all family members’ views

Ebony (not their real name) works in a role supporting tamariki / children and their whānau to get the help they need for behavioural issues, trauma and learning difficulties. Supporting parents who are separated, with shared care of their children is not a situation unfamiliar to Ebony as she is a very experienced social worker. When assigned a new family to support, her initial task is to obtain consent for service from both parents and to gain an understanding of what they see the issues are and how the service could assist them. This is what she attempted to do when assigned a particular new referral.

Like many of the families Ebony works alongside, the parents of her clients had their own significant historical trauma, were living with mental illness and the father was using cannabis to manage his anxiety. In addition, the father was unhappy that the mother was in a new relationship. It soon became very apparent that the parents had quite different accounts of each other’s behaviour.

Unpacking who is involved, the reason/s for referral and the key issues the supervisee wishes to discuss when presenting a case in supervision, can itself be helpful to supervisees. Talking through what has been done, what assessments the supervisee has made, and what the various family members perceive the issues to be (or not) provides a lot of useful information. At times we consider specific models or frameworks to reflect on what additional information or action they suggest, which can be beneficial for identifying potential next steps.

Assessing the accuracy of what’s presented

In the situation Ebony raised, she explained that the father at times came across as dismissive, arrogant and not open to hearing anything from Ebony. Then, at other times he was “as sweet as pie” – very obliging and forthcoming with information. What the mother told Ebony about the father’s interaction with her after Ebony’s conversations (i.e. challenging her about what she shared with Ebony) was also very different to how the father presented himself to Ebony. These issues made it challenging to discuss matters with the father, as Ebony didn’t know how he might react, and she didn’t want to mention the mother in case he later accused the mother of sharing things he thought unacceptable.

We noted that the strongly patriarchal culture the father came from may have influenced his dealings with Ebony, based merely on her being a woman. We were also conscious that as he was a regular cannabis user, his drug usage may alter his communication style. This left Ebony not wanting to engage with him as she thought his interaction was manipulative and dishonest. His challenging communication style was particularly evident when Ebony phoned him to discuss consent for service, and he spent over half an hour berating Ebony and insisting that he talk with her manager. Ebony subsequently organised for herself and her manager to meet with the father, however this unpleasant interaction with him strongly coloured her openness to working with him.

As part of considering the father’s behaviour, we also needed to contemplate the fact that the mother could be misreporting the father’s interactions with her, which was influencing Ebony’s perception of the father. In considering this, we weighed up how the father presented to Ebony, and his marked behaviour differences when engaging with her. This suggested that the mother was being truthful, as his unpredictable and illogical presentation to Ebony aligned with what the mother was saying. It was important that we consider this possibility, to ensure we weren’t siding with the mother.

Exploring when our ‘buttons’ are pushed

My kōrero with Ebony included acknowledging that it was great she realised her reaction to her client was not helpful. We explored what this reaction was about and looked at ways she could maintain professional and respectful communications with the father, despite her strong negative feelings towards him. Being treated disrespectfully and feeling that he was trying to manipulate her were the key challenges she experienced working with him. Ebony needed to continue to act impartially whilst being mindful of the likelihood that this father’s behaviour impacts his parenting.

Assessing the parents’ ability to parent safely and consistently along with properly determining the children’s needs and appropriate interventions needed to guide Ebony’s practice. In short, Ebony needed to find ways to ‘park’ her own feelings towards the father’s difficult communication style, to allow her to keep the children’s best interests at heart. In doing so, she was ensuring it was the children who were the focus, not her and her irritation. She was also sharpening her practice skills, finding ways to deal with difficult behaviour.

Using supervision to explore taukumekume (tension / conflict)

We need to feel sufficiently comfortable with our supervisor when raising issues such as those Ebony shared. Trusting our supervisor to commend the great things we do, balanced with kindly raising questions about whether our approach was the most appropriate needs to be foundational in supervision. Often, we feel something is not sitting well with us, and our puku (stomach) is signalling that there is something untoward. Holding taukumekume (positive and negative tensions) comes with working in social care, so being able to look at the tensions we navigate in practice is essential to safe and professional practice.

We need to note our reactions, and consider them alongside ethical codes, practice standards, and assessment and intervention tools and approaches. While we can and should do some of this reflection on our own, it is also important to get another perspective on particularly challenging situations. Talking to a trusted colleague, or raising the matter in supervision can be helpful and reaffirming. As an old saying goes “a trouble shared, is a trouble halved”, and supervision is designed to help to bring those troubles down to size.

Glossary

Kōrero – talk, discussion
Puku – stomach, tummy
Tamariki – children
Taukumekume – tension, conflict, discord
Whānau – extended family

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